USS Loma Prieta : Ship's (b)Log
From The Ensign’s Lounge: Drunken Starfleet Rants

(This happy-hour entry has been re-posted from Yeoman Bukowski’s blog)

RULE #23: There is no sex on the Holodeck.

When most of your time is spent meandering the florescent hallways of the ship, facing ever-impending destruction, or responding to the Captain’s 5-a-day Book updates, the pressure of it all leads to some serious need of R&R. So I am pretty sure it’s like half the reason most of us are still in Starfleet, the other half being selfless scientific discovery and inter-planet diplomacy (duh). And since the holodeck remains the final frontier of entertainment when you’re light years from home, it is pretty much the most important room we’ve got — I mean, next to the bridge… obviously. Erm, and I guess the decks of main engineering… primarily warp core access balconies… Ugh, and I guess sickbay depending on your biological stamina… Whatever, they’re all kinda important… But I digress… I need a refill.

The point is the holodeck is everyone’s favorite playground. And more than once I’ve come to realize that there might be some extra-curricular activities happening to and upon our most beloved recreational area.

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[Program must remain PG(-13?), please]

There is no sex on the Holodeck. No matter what a slutty hologram tells you, there is no sex on the holodeck. Keep your nasty Ferengi fantasies fluid-free. Understandably, there’s a majority of single crewmen who need to “explore strange new worlds” and I mean, we’ve all been there! In fact, there’s been more than one occasion where it was of everyone’s benefit for me to find a way to relieve the stress and keep a zero BAC to simply make the right decisions in a time of need. But you know what? Not on the holodeck. Sure, I’ve programed some racy run-ins with various Starfleet candy (“Oh well, hellllooooo Commander Riker! What a flattering 19th century naval uniform you’re wearing…”) but take it back to your quarters and keep your proverbial private-time phasers to yourself. Your “person juice” is not regulation replicated matter.

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[Ewwwwww… NOOOOOOO.]

You know what’s worse than replicating a sexual partner? Bringing one with you. I get it, there are some fine ass couplings all up in the USS Loma Prieta, but c’mon people… this isn’t the Academy! Keep it in your pants and out of the common area. Oh, you want to roll around on the ivory sand of Risa? Then take some leave. Don’t jumble your junk all over the grid for some simulated backdrop. I mean, you have the infinite background of the fucking universe to be your sexytime mood lighting. If that doesn’t get your partner off (OR YOU), then I demand for their (OR YOUR) immediate resignation. Need to spice it up? I highly recommend taking a couple hours when we’re scheduled to warp, because there’s nothing more arousing than zooming through star-fields.

I think we can all admit to some fooling around on the ship. I’ve even heard *ahem* of some crew personnel finding some “special down time” in some very creative nooks & crannies of our beloved Loma Prieta. And you know what? I totally don’t care. Just keep it off the holodeck. Pornography is ancient Earth shit… just pull out your Pad and access the archives. Do not interrupt my holonovel mystery with concerns like “Why is this slippery”? or “Something doesn’t smell right”.

Now where’s my homemade pickleback?

=^= En. Tiffany Bukowski
Ship’s Yeoman
USS Loma Prieta

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